Mathogothanio is an Italian word meaning a cacophony or anatomically incorrect architectural composition.

Since it is a difficult concept to explain we will break down in a few points how to create mathogothanio in your construction project.

  1. Insist on covered balconies

Long time ago growing up for 70s and 80s kids, in order to save the fabric of chairs, parents would drape the sofas in a juala/ clear plastic sheet to ‘save’ the sofa and make the fabric last long and be wipeable if kids spilled porridge. Problem is if you ever took a snooze on the sofa you would sweat profusely, get stuck on the juala and wake up thoroughly dehydrated. Kids would wonder, then why was the fabric put in the first place? Covered balconies have the same logic. They cover windows and hence are manufacturers of darkness and one spends more money on them and no one ever sits on a balcony anyway. So, if you insist that your architect puts covered balconies, get ready for a house that is ………. mathogothanio

  1. Complicated roof

Valleys of shame, 77 levels, sijui fake dormer windows to give light to your water tanks, high pitched roofs in general etc.

Avoid, avoid, avoid. High pitch roofs are used if it snows where you live or if you are using a more porous roofing material like grass, reeds or makuti. Taking a Scandinavian design and plonking it somewhere in Kitengela, Syokimau or Mûrera is the same as a loose herdsman in Moyale or Lokichogio donning an eskimos attire. If you find yourself getting too engaged about your roof, get ready for a building that is………. Mathogothanio.

  1. Build a monstrosity.

We have mentioned before that ALL large ‘chunky’ houses are factories of manufacturing darkness. We know how darkness is even condemned in holy texts as it is said it is the residence of a hooved creature who will become nyama choma after judgement day. If you create a monster of a house that is so dark that Snoop Dogg’s pit bulls and rottweilers are so scared of the darkness that they hold their chest with one paw and lift the other paw towards the heavens and in reverence and eyes closed, sing the old gospel chorus ‘nishike mkono bwana, nishike mkono…. nishike mkono bwana, nishike mkono… siwezi bila wewe bwana……..’ just know that your building is………Mathogothanio

  1. Intentional balconies.

Over 13 years journey in the construction industry, we have interviewed many users of our completed residential projects. It will shock you that the vast majority do not use balconies at all. They sighted that most notoriously unused balcony is in the master bedroom. Hard facts people. In fact, one couple joked that during planting season if they threw seeds on the balcony they would germinate because of the accumulation of dust. Look, balconies are okay if you have no budgetary constraints, but if you claim you are low on funds but still insist on many balconies, you will deplete your funds that could have ensured you have better finishes. Now get ready for a house that is…… Mathogothanio

  1. Multicolored gypsum features for ceilings and walls

Modern interiors call for monotone walls and ceilings and if one wants to express themselves in color, they should only do so with accessories, drapery, accent chairs and the like. If you insist on multicolored, multi shaped luminous colored ceiling bulkheads and wall moldings, clap for yourself and ululate as you celebrate your building that is……mathogothanio.

  1. Listen to every ‘jerk’ of all trades who is a master of none

There was once a father, a son and their donkey who were going to the market. On the way they met a man who informed the father that he is very stupid to walk alongside a donkey and not ride on it. So the father started riding on the back of the donkey as the son walked. On the way, they met a woman who told the father that he must be the meanest man to let his son walk as he rode the donkey. So they exchanged places, the son riding and the father walking. Then they met another man who told them how silly they are because both of them are not riding the donkey. The father hopped on to the donkey and they rode the donkey together. Soon after they met another man who informed them that they were very mean to ride the donkey and burden it so much. The father and son carried the donkey and as they reached the market, they were the laughing stock. Everyone laughed at them as they looked ridiculous carrying a beast of burden.

Moral of the story, plan carefully and stick to your plan. Everybody has an opinion when they get to your site. Most of your friends actually wouldn’t mind your project failing, sorry it’s just the sad truth. When constructing, have a keen eye and always have your architect inspect. Avoid taking your friends to the site if they never sat through painstaking planning meetings with your architect and engineers. But if you insist and listen to everybody’s opinion and want to implement every idea you see on Pinterest, IG, those 500bob house plan books sold in town etc. get ready for a building that is…………. Mathogothanio